In 2012 I had some pretty unrealistic, romanticist ideas about myself as an artist. I was an uncompromising purist that believed in the emotive abilities of a work. I was also dealing with some first world emotional hangups and my first broken heart. I created a series that illustrated the confusion and angst I was dealing with.
A close friend of mine was starting up a band, Sprawl, and was heading into the world of gigging, he asked to use these works for his band’s posters. I gave him the rights to use some of the images for posters and I later designed the band’s first 2 e.p art works.
I soon felt that I was producing these works for his audience, rather than my own creative outlet, as I had more or less overcome my own emotional struggles. To me the works had become hollow and purely decorative. The emotion I was communicating was not there, the work was terrible; I was a sell out.
Eventually we had a falling out over design integrity, personal differences and views on eating whales, and I stopped producing work for them.
Below is a poem I wrote that coincides with the initial works, it also references one of my favourite Artists, Benjamin (Zhang Bin), who draws beautiful females that he once could have loved, but his self-destructive and suicidal behaviour made it impossible for them to stay with him. Like I said, I was a romantic.
Pity my hero
what’s going on behind their eyes:
love or pain?
the things that are lost
are lost forever,
we can neither change them
nor take them back.
Glass bottle brain,
we poor artists
without knowing what we are doing
our youth’s aspirations shattered
can they be found again?
i feel stupid,
there is always a moment when i betray myself
i don’t understand anything yet
i don’t want anything
just to create ever-better
to make things more beautiful than women
than food or sleep
than life itself